A year ago, I believed love would be enough. That structure and consequences would shape behavior. That consistency and rules would provide security. I thought if I just showed up every day and stayed calm, healing would come naturally.
Then I became a trauma-informed parent.
I never saw Kat’s behavior as “bad.” From the beginning, I understood that shutting down or avoiding things like school wasn’t rebellion. I believed, and still believe, that much of her behavior is rooted in trauma. But over time, I’ve realized I sometimes leaned too hard on that lens.
Kat is also a 16-year-old girl. Some of what she does isn’t trauma, it’s just being a teenager. The tricky part is knowing the difference. And that’s where I still stumble.
There are times when she shuts down and I can’t tell if it’s fear, shame, grief, or just a desire to not deal with adult expectations. It’s been hard to figure out what triggers a trauma response versus what might be typical teenage behavior. And even harder to know how to gently guide her toward safer, more effective ways to cope.
I’m still learning. I’ve come to believe that the best approach is to stay curious, not certain. To ask, “What’s driving this?” before reacting. And to accept that sometimes I won’t know, and that’s okay.
1. Behavior Is Communication, Not Rebellion
One of the first shifts I had to make was seeing “bad behavior” not as an attack, but as a message. When Kat shuts down, refuses to talk, or skips school, she isn’t trying to be difficult. She’s trying to feel safe.
What looks like apathy or defiance is often a trauma response. A survival skill. Until she feels safe, nothing else can come online.
2. Safety Isn’t Just a Locked Door and a Warm Meal
Kat has a roof over her head. She has food, clothes, and even a bedroom she likes. But safety, I’ve learned, also means emotional safety. It means knowing I won't shame her, explode at her, or give up on her. It means honoring her need for space while still showing up consistently.
Even something as simple as gently knocking on her door instead of barging in, or offering a quiet “I’m here if you need me,” builds safety.
3. Connection Comes Before Correction
When Kat is struggling, she doesn’t need a lecture. She needs to feel felt. I used to lead with logic, trying to get her to understand why her actions were self-defeating. It never worked.
Now, I ask: “What do you need right now?” or “Want me to sit with you for a minute?” Once she feels connected, she is far more open to guidance. Correction without connection only reinforces fear and shame.
4. Development Isn’t Linear
According to Untangled, teen girls grow through seven key transitions. For a trauma-impacted teen, those transitions are messy and unpredictable. One day, Kat gets up an hour early to get ready for her job. The next day, she can’t get out of bed 15 minutes before school.
She isn’t unmotivated. She is overwhelmed. But it’s more than just about where she feels safe. We even tried remote learning from the comfort of home, and she still showed no interest or motivation. That’s when I started to realize school may not feel threatening in the usual way, but it represents something bigger—pressure, failure, judgment, the risk of shame. Those feelings are just as powerful as physical fear. Her avoidance is still about emotional survival.
Trauma slows down and twists development. That doesn’t mean our kids are broken. It means we have to meet them where they are.
5. You Will Doubt Yourself, and That’s Okay
There were, and still are, days I wonder if I’m doing this right. If I’m too soft. Too firm. Too tired. I’ve learned from Good Inside that it’s not about perfection. It’s about being grounded. It’s about holding space for big feelings, including my own.
I try to be the calm in her storm, not the storm itself.
6. You Can’t Do This Alone
Therapists, mentors, online support groups, and patient friends have been lifelines. So has my spouse, even when we don’t always agree on the approach. What matters is that we are united in our commitment to Kat.
No one can parent a child from trauma in isolation. If you're doing this work, find your people.
7. Hope Grows in Small Moments
Trauma-informed parenting doesn’t always come with big breakthroughs. Sometimes it’s a batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies. Or watching your child suit up for her first job at a local amusement park. It’s going roller skating on Barbie night in a pink shirt you wouldn’t have worn otherwise, because she asked you to. It’s seeing her curled up with the dogs, truly at ease.
Those are the moments that say, “I’m starting to feel safe here.” And those are the moments that keep us going.
Healing happens in the small spaces, over time, through connection.
Conclusion: What I Want Other Parents to Know
If you're parenting a child who has experienced trauma, I want you to know this:
You are not alone. It’s not your job to fix everything. Your presence matters more than your perfection. Show up. Stay soft. Lead with connection.
Trauma-informed parenting is not easy, but it transforms both the child and the parent. And it starts with believing, every single day, that your child is doing the best they can with the tools they have. Just like you.
If this resonated with you, or if you’re on a similar path, I’d love to hear your story. Reach out, share your insights, or just know that there are others walking beside you.
